My childhood best friend was sat beside me as we were driving to his wedding. He could tell I was not happy at how he was choosing to live. From my POV he had compromised every part of his life to give a woman her ideal comfort and security. He was a shadow, living for someone else.
The topic of prenups came up. After twisting his arm a little he admitted it would be in his best interest. Would protect the wealth that his family worked their whole life to leave to him. But then came the words, 'Oh, I can't ask her that, she wouldn't like it.' He said, without pausing.
The silent red lines. He knew already what she thought about subjects they hadn't explicitly spoken about, where the red lines were, and he was silently self-censoring and conforming to her wishes. Worrying about pleasing her. Even at the risk of his entire birthright.
I see this pattern again and again. 'I can't ask for...', stop. If you even frame it as you 'asking permission' you're done. Done to the extent where you are the little boy. She is Mommy. You are worrying about PLEASING HER.
YOU DO NOT HAVE FRAME IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.
You live in HER world.
You are her handbag. Her Ken doll accessory.
You live to augment her life.
If there are subjects that you know you can't talk about. If there are lines you know you can't cross. If you self-censor for her benefit, self-police, conform to her wishes and expectations. Whether it was from good intentions, or from a place of deep seated anxious need. Of co-dependence and covert contracts. YOU ARE IN HER FRAME.
If you don't know why that is a bad thing or think it's going to be fine. Check back in with me after the relationship has run its course. I promise you, you will have three phases: 1. The honeymoon high; 2. the cooling middle; 3. The suffering long tail. By the time you are a broken shell of your past self, feeling like your best days are behind you and your life is over, remember this warning.
You failed the test. You fit yourself around her world.
What this should have been, was a screening and compliance test moment. The second you feel her pushing back or attempting to establish a frame, you shit right on it with a direct challenge. My friend should have looked at her without blinking said 'Bitch, don't even think you will get a ring until you give me all your passwords, and sign a prenup, including a clause that if you gain even 10lb of extra weight or miss a day without blowjobs, you're done.' If/when she loses her shit, you simply replace her with a girl that knows her place. She lives in your world, yes or yes.
THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND. THERE IS NO EQUALITY.
If you are with a girl, and there is 'a thing' you know that you can't talk about or do, then you know for sure, 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt, you have a covert contract in place and you are living in her world. Your nuts are her handbag. You are her bitch.
It is a good self check for women too - if you give up consent before you are even asked to, without talking about it, then in the end, you get what you deserve. I loathe the idea of a man doing this with me...but a weak man who lives in fear...? Even with me, a confirmed people pleaser...some men do it and its not attractive.
Goes both ways boys.